i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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