I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
