god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
