You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
