I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
is that a dick in a sweater?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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