Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
