my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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