we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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