i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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