Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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