I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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