so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
