Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌