I wish I could teleport
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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