guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
