Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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