you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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