I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
