I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
