I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
