haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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