her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
