Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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