you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
this beer tastes like vomit already
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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