If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
