I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
