He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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