Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
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