Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
