AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
