the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
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He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
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The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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