if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.