I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
