Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
