I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I want her autograph on my taint
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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