I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
