We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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