girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
