Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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