3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm gonna have a badass scar
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
