Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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