Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
