I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
