Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
