you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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