I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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