Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
