Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
