I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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