Small penises have feelings too.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
