maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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