just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
