I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
