He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
