I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You have to summon your inner elephant
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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