I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
