At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
