today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
