babies were throwing up all over the place
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I am naked and annoyed.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
