she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
