nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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