Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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