My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
