Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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